Research, suggests that low self-esteem is not to blame for anywhere near as many problems as we once believed. Indeed, it appears to be (too) high self-esteem that is the real villain.

·         It seems that bullies and criminals are much more likely to have unrealistically high self-esteem (and of course - impulse control problems) than those of us who have low self-esteem.

·         People with (too) high self-esteem display an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Apparently expecting much (possibly too much) from many situations. This is much more likely to lead to frustration, resentfulness and aggressive, antisocial, or even criminal behaviour.
 

People with low self-esteem are always very sure of themselves.

This manifests in their conviction that they are worthless or inadequate. As you will know if you have ever tried to argue with someone who puts themselves down continually, it is very hard to do! When someone with low self esteem becomes less sure of their own opinion of themselves and therefore begins to assess counter evidence regarding their worthlessness, their self image begins to become more healthy.

4) You Can't Argue Someone Better!

Telling some one they are great or wonderful when they are constantly negative about themselves will not work. Arguing with someone who is so sure of themselves does not work, as we all know. You will just break rapport with that person. We have all met people who feel more comfortable in relationships with people who treat them badly - because that person seems to see things the way they do.

People with low self esteem can be upset by 'disconfirming feedback.' In other words if something happens which indicates that they may not be as terrible as they thought, it can feel disturbing as it contradicts their way of perceiving. Healthy self esteem needs to emerge subtly, not as a sudden result of hearing you are 'really special' or 'fantastic'.

People need proof that unsettles the certainty that they are so 'defective' or inadequate and leads to a more realistic and balanced self-assessment. This can only happen when they become calmer and more relaxed so that they can observe themselves more objectively and less emotionally. Whenever we are highly emotional our perception is distorted ('emotional hijacking') when people calm down around the idea of themselves then a healthier self-esteem can emerge!

5) Child Abuse Increases Likelihood of Low Self Esteem

People who were abused as children (physical beating or sexual abuse) are more likely to suffer unrealistic low self esteem as adults. This is because of constant repetition of a 'message' that they are of little value or just an object to be used. In a way they have been 'brain washed' by constant criticism or abuse that they are a certain way.

When we begin to question our former conditioning or brainwashing then a healthier and more accurate sense of self can begin to emerge. However we may have to be de-traumatised so the emotional brain responds differently in future (rather than solely learning to think differently about stuff). However the way we think and our assumptions need to be observed, understood and if necessary challenged. (explanatory styles)

(Note: Most people who have low self esteem were not abused as children.)

6) Healthy Pleasures Are Vital

Indulging ourselves in activities we enjoy and in which we can 'lose ourselves' regularly. The better one's sense of themselves the less they tend to use words like 'me, myself, I, mine' (personal pronouns) Someone's mental and even, to some extent, physical health can be directly related to how 'self-referential' they are in their conversation - as people become healthier they use the 'I' word less, in the same way that when your knee stops hurting you don't need to rub it any more.

People should be encouraged to focus their attention away from themselves as well as to be able to take their own needs into account. A healthy balance should be encouraged as should the development of real practical skills. Real responsibility should be encouraged so that self-worth can respond to external evidence on an ongoing basis.

7) Make the Most of Success

Low self esteem requires a particular attitude towards success. Whenever you succeed at something, you must 'write it off' as good luck, chance, or someone else's responsibility.To gain a more realistic view of yourself, you need to take appropriate credit for your successes. In the we call this skill 'Converting'.
This involves learning how to convert real successes into statements about yourself. The other part of the picture is to view perceived failures as temporary and not statements about your 'core identity'.

 Build on Solid Foundations

For us to be psychologically, emotionally and physically healthy on an ongoing basis; there are a set of requirements that must be built into life. The need to give and receive attention

Taking care of the mind-body connection. The need for meaning, purpose and goals The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves The need for creativity and stimulation The need for intimacy and connection The need for a sense of control The need for status

Of course, it is likely that at any one time, one or more of these may be slightly lacking in your life, without dire consequences. However, in the long-term, they must all be catered for one way or another.

Positive thinking can be useful in that it challenges us to form a different view on things. To change our self-image and improve low self-esteem, we need to believe in an alternative opinion of ourselves, not just repeat platitudes about how great we are really!

 

The costs and causes of low self esteem)

high self esteem

Amongst the characteristics of genuinely low self-esteem are, Social withdrawal. Anxiety and emotional turmoil. Lack of social skills and self-confidence.  Depression and/or bouts of sadness. Less social conformity. Eating disorders.  Inability to accept compliments. An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself. Accentuating the negative. Exaggerated concern over what they imagine other people think. Self neglect. Treating yourself badly but NOT other people.  Worrying whether you have treated others badly. Reluctance to take on challenges. Reluctance to trust your own opinion. Expect little out of life for yourself