There can be no nightmare scenario in life as tragic as a mother ending her own life and that of her child - or children.

 

Words cannot even begin to convey the utter tragedy of such a dark event.  Nor can our comprehension even begin to grasp the soul-rending agony which led a mother to do such a thing. Of all human institutions motherhood is the most hallowed. So,  when such an event occurs it is the most heart-breaking of all human tragedies. Mercifully, such acts are rare, but frighteningly they still continue to happen in the world in which we live - our World.

 

Another naked truth is that whenever we read or hear of such 'instances' we are unable to imagine how such a thing could possibly happen. We question what we have heard or read. It must be a mistake. After all, how could any mother take the life of her own child? A life which she herself has conceived and carried for nine long uncomfortable months. The baby that she herself gave birth to and nurtured. Her own child. A life which was born of her own life. How could any mother do such a terrible thing?

 

Because we cannot understand the motivation behind what has happened, we tend to conclude that the caregiver was evil or was mad. Strange as it seems, the motivation behind such actions appears not to be hatred, resentment, malice or wickedness, but (ironically) maternal love.

These horrendous acts are termed Homicide-Suicide and each one is a terrifying tragedy. Homicide-Suicides are not restricted to parent and child, but for the purpose of this appeal they do. Homicide-suicides are the ultimate consequence of absolute desperation caused by unrelenting depression.

Homicide-suicides are most likely to occur when the mother is overwhelmed by (and being crushed by) depression. Feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness which may have contributed to the depression in the first instance, become ever heightened. This in turn can be made worse by an ever deepening sense of increasing isolation. Couple to this a widening range of multiple stresses such as poverty related issues. Family, relationship, health problems etc and the result is an emotional time-bomb.

This insufferable cocktail of destructive emotions and feelings of helplessness and despair, could trigger an homicide-suicide.

When 'inescapable' agony becomes so profound that death becomes the one and only solution to suffering. The caregiver's thoughts (never far from the child) need to be adapted to 'protect' the child.

Having decided to take her own life, the mother is now faced with a dreadful choice: she must 'abandon' her child, or 'take the child' with her. The love she feels for her child means that she is unable to abandon him or her. So she takes the child with her as the only way to protect her child - or children.

Globally, millions of mothers are severely depressed or have some other undetected and untreated psychiatric problems. These people are at risk

If you are feeling depressed and are raising a child please remember that there are a lot of agencies out there. They may not all be appropriate or free, but through them we can often locate others in the 'same boat'. A medical diagnosis isn't a bad idea. At least if you have a condition which can be diagnosed, then (at least) it can be treated.

 

If (like many others) you are unwilling to take prescribed medications, that's ok there's a wide range of alternative therapies out there just waiting to help on the road to recovery.

 

Do not be too ashamed or too embarrassed to reach out for help. Help is there. It's just waiting for you to reach out. Please reach out.

How we can all help!

Each and every one of us know other people. Some, more than others of course. But the 'average person' has an inner circle of  relatives and close friends we think we know well: And an outer circle of neighbours, people at work, daily assocites etc - that are not known so well.

Given that the most important thing that any one of us can do to reduce the tragedy of suicide, is to support each other. Then if we keep an eye out for and support those within our own inner circle much could be achieved.  Especially when we are aware that they are having a difficult time.

However, our perception of others is based upon what we see and what we hear. Unfortunately what we hear is not always true. For example asking someone a direct question such as “how are you feeling?” could elicit the response “I’m feeling ok” but in truth, that person could be going through Hell but is simply unable or unwilling to admit it.

This being so, it is often better to trust our eyes rather than our ears. Whilst people can mislead us with their words, their behaviour may tell a different tale.

So if you suspect that a loved one, friend, or relative could be depressed, then it might be worthwhile ‘keeping an eye on them’. I appreciate that this sounds bad and I certainly do not mean spy upon them. But, speak with them a little longer, see them a little more often and always let them know that you really do enjoy your little chats. Arrange to meet. Keep in contact through telephone, text or e-mail. These contacts really are important.  

Having said that what you are looking for is any real change in their behaviour. Not ‘changes’ which last for an hour or a day, or a couple of days, but for two weeks or more. The giveaway signs of depression we need to look for include:

• Being Moody. Not just everyday ‘moody’ but a moodiness which is out of proportion to whatever is happening;
• Being weepy or close to tears for no apparent reason; 
• Being more irritable and frustrated than usual;
• Being oversensitive to minor personal criticisms even when well intentioned;
• Being withdrawn from previous social activities;
• No longer interested in eating, having sex, doing exercise or participating in other such pleasurable activities;
• Tiredness caused by sleeplessness and the ability to get a good night's sleep; 
• Increased need for alcohol and drug consumption;
• Not leaving the home, or not attending work or study;
• Voicing concerns about their physical health complaining about fatigue or pain; and,
• Acting without consideration of the consequences. Being reckless or taking unnecessary risks

If you do notice any such changes in the behaviour of someone close to you, ask them if they are feeling depressed. Point out that you are not ‘sticking your nose in where it is not wanted’ but that you are genuinely concerned and do want to help them.

No one can predict how another will respond to the direct approach. Some folk could shun your offer, whilst others may be grateful that you raised the issue and will explain at length. Whatever happens, you will probably need to break the ice to try to find out what the problem is. It could be something which you can help to put right. If not, you may be able to signpost them in the right direction, or to a person (or agency) that could put things right.

If the person is suffering from depression then please try to use your influence to encourage them to visit their doctor. Reassure them that depression is treatable and as such is 'curable'

If you do notice any major behavioural changes which have lasted for two weeks or more, it could also be that the person has an unrecognised anxiety disorder.

Common behaviours associated with anxiety include:

Increased worrying about common problems like finances, work or family relationships; Unwilling to go out and socialise; Not being able to go to sleep; Increased use of alcohol and drugs, particularly in social situations; Avoiding crowded places like the cinema, shopping centre on taking public transport; Unable to finish school or work projects; and, Increased irritability and sensitivity to criticism. The link between anxiety and depression is an interesting one. Anxiety can cause depression, and depression can cause anxiety. 

Recognising a suicidal crisis

Untreated depression becomes dangerous when the person begins to slip into a suicidal crisis. The signs to LISTEN OUT for include:

 

• Overwhelming pain; which threatens to engulf the person's capacity to cope with that pain.
• Suicidal feelings are often the result of unresolved issues which have been or are being made worse by worsening events Contributing factors could be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources.
• Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better.
• Powerlessness: the feeling that one's resources for reducing pain are exhausted.
• Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”. Fears of losing control, harming self or others.
• Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts.
• Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.)
• Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family.
• Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed.
• Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance.
• Alterations in either direction in sleeping or eating habits.
• (Particularly in the elderly) Self-starvation, dietary mismanagement, disobeying medical instructions.
• Difficult times: holidays, anniversaries, and the first week after discharge from a hospital; just before and after diagnosis of a major illness; just before and during disciplinary proceedings. Undocumented status adds to the stress of a crisis.

If someone close to you is exhibiting any of the above symptoms they will need support and really ought to consider seeking some sort of professional assistance. You could be of great service simply by helping them to locate, approach and obtain the required assistance. Most sufferers of depression and/or anxiety have need of another person to help them to get the medical or psychological assistance which they require.  

 

Living with a person suffering from depression/anxiety can place an enormous emotional burden upon family and friends. Consequently, family and friends often withdraw their support or simply give up trying to help. This can increase a sufferers feeling of isolation and make them resentful and unwilling to communicate.